I Want To Hate You Half As Much As I Hate Myself

We Must Reinvent Love.

2008-03-15T05:31:17Z

This is the sequel to "The Things We Do For Love." I've decided that is the title. This one picks up directly where the other left off, but the story is now Brendon's to tell. Once again, there's no rating or warning and it's just super fluffy. I hope this is good enough because I've been working on it forever...

-----

    I stood in the rain, cuddling into his warm embrace. At times like this, he'd say something along the lines of, "We are but old friends turned lovers." Something poetics, deep, and brilliant. But for once, Ryan remained silent, and the moment couldn't have been more perfect.

    I've waited months to be able to call him my own out loud, because to me, he's been mine since the first day that we spoke. I fell fast and I fell hard but I wouldn't have had it any other way.

    Beginning the very second I was in his arms, I couldn't help but grin like a fool. Finally, I can tell him I love him whenever I want and he'll know I mean it in more than a "friendly" way. It's amazing how such an incredibly intelligent guy failed to notice all of my very obvious hints.

    He never saw the truth in every word I said. He never noticed how much I really do love and want to be with him. He didn't realize how much I needed him to survive. Or maybe he did and was ignoring them. But I'm almost positive that he was just too wrapped up in his own feelings... for me. He was too busy trying to get me to see things that he didn't see them himself.

    The look in his eyes spoke louder than all of the syllables uttered in the whole world combined. I saw true, deep love that was present and I couldn't help but have a party inside of my head at the mere thought that I had caused that. I was the reason he was glowing and looking happier than I'd ever imagined possible. That feeling... it's the best thing you could ever experience. Ever.

    But it's said that all good things must come to an end; it's inevitable. As the law states, our beautiful moment did so, right after it's natural numbing wrath had subsided. Ryan pulled away, only to lead me back into his tattered car.

    Soaked to the bones with acid rain and newfound love, we made our way out of the parking lot. Where to never concerned me. He could have taken me to an airport, boarded me onto a lonely plane, and fly me right over the Bermuda Triangle, heading for certain death, and I wouldn't have fussed slightly.

    I'd never been a lucky person. I'm clumsy beyond belief and I'm always losing, be it games, grades, or people. I've always been quite the anti-social (save my time on the internet). When I met Ryan Ross, I felt an automatic change rumble through my person. I had a sudden urge to finally be around people, even if it was truly only a certain person. It was the strangest of feelings, and I loved every second of it. I've come to learn many things about myself within the past few months, but the most important thing I've learned: I have instantaneous love for anything and everything so long as it can be connected to Ryan in some way. It seems extreme, but once you find your true love, you will not question such feelings, not at all.

    As the road disappeared beneath the car, I kept my fingers tightly intertwined with Ryan's, my grip promising never to let go. We sat silently; he was busied with controlling the automobile's course of action and making distance as I stared out the window at the falling rain, though I saw none of it. When one is so deeply in love, they don't see much of anything but said lover.

---

    It's startling when once second you're calmly staring blindly and the other you're being hoisted into the air. After the brief panic and I realized I was in Ryan's arms, I just cuddled into him. We appeared to be at a motel, the one, I guessed, where he'd planned on staying in. It's also startling when you're dozing off in strong arms and then being dropped onto a stiff mattress.

    I gave him a questioning look that he brushed off as he kicked off his shoes, pulled his shirt and hoodie off, and wriggled from his tight pants. This amazing boy that I loved made me blush then, just as I saw him in only his boxers. Without asking a word of permission, he stripped me of my hoodie, shirt, shoes, and pants. A faint warning of danger trickled up through my spine and blossomed at my neck, instantly coloring me red.

    In the sliver of time passing between this and the events to follow, I made the biggest decision of my life. I chose to whip away any fear I had in me and to completely trust this one man with my life. It could have been the worst thing I've ever done, but I was in love and nothing could have stopped me.

    Ryan grunted as he pulled the blankets from beneath me and toward the bottom of the bed. I watched silently, pushing fear to the back of my mind. He crawled onto the bed next to me and gently pushed me into a laying position. As he pulled the blankets up and over us, he cuddled into my side. I felt his smooth lips brush the crook of my neck and I shivered as he whispered, "I love you, Brendon," into my ear so softly.

    As much as I had expected all of this to be too good to be true, it wasn't. There followed no heart break or scarring memories with attached stories I'd never share. The only thing that came out of that day, that night, was wholesome love. Love that anyone would kill for with a man that I didn't deserved. I'd been empty before, wandering around and doing useless things I'd thought would fill the darkness. All my life, I thought it was a longing for material things, the latest styles and products on the market. I thought it was the need to be popular and envied. When all along, it was none of those. In a matter of minutes, all in one life, Ryan disproved what I thought to be my greatest theory ever. All I had needed, was love

You know you want to help me...

2008-02-03T10:37:50Z

So I've posted a story and a poem up. I'm horrid with stories, in my opinion. Poems are my strength. I was going to post a bunch of poems, new and old, but I didn't want to fuck with your friend pages. If you want to see some of my ~~shit~~ poems just let me know and I'll be glad to post them or e-mail them to you.

P.S.- I feel like I'm talking to myself. Disprove me?

The Things We Do For Love.

2008-02-02T03:22:41Z

After my laptop crashed, I wrote a standalone out of boredom and with no intentions on showing anyone at all. Somehow, my best friend got me to send it to her and she liked it. She wants more and I'm working on it, for her... Anyway, I've decided to post it in my journal so that the people that read this thing ~~(no one)~~ can take a peak. If someone does actually read this, before I die of shock, leave me a comment about it, even if it's horribly, horribly mean.

This is Ryden because ~~I lack creativity~~ it just is. It's written in first person, from Ryan's point of view. There really are no warnings, other than my awful writing skills. No rating, either, simply because I'm too tired to rate it. I wish it had a title, but I'm terrible with those. The subject isn't meant to be a title but if it works for you, think of it like that. It's kind of fluffy, to be honest. Okay, kind of really fluffy. Obviously I don't own Ryan or Brendon because, well, I wouldn't be here if I did. Finally, I'll dedicate this to Alexis because I love her. :]

Also, if you have any ideas about how I should write the second part or of what I should include, please tell me. All ideas are appreciated.

------

Standing there in the rain, getting soaked beyond comprehension, that's when it finally occurred to me that I'm the luckiest guy on earth...

---

Yeah, I talk to people I don't actually know on the Internet all the time. Shamelessly gaining friends every minute. I make real connections with these people. They're what I really love.

People here, I don't give two shits about them. I say I love them. I say they're my life. I say I couldn't live without them. And I lie.

Life sucks here, to be cruelly honest. Oh, the flashy lights, countless casinos, pulsing clubs, and legal hookers. It's all so overrated. My "friends" are idiots. I have real friends all over the country. They're the reason I make it through the day. They're why I'm still alive and breathing in this hellhole. Lucky me.

We'll call them the true friends. I love them, I really do. One in particular brightens my day. One in particular makes it easier to keep on living. One in particular gives me hope and makes me laugh. One in particular makes me feel alive, truly alive, and more alive that I've ever been. His name: Brendon.

Sure, he's a little over a year younger than me. Sure, he's hyper and annoying most of the time. Sure, he's not as intelligent as I'd like. Sure, he whines constantly and craves attention like a junkie craves their fix. But he's my best friend and I wouldn't trade him for the world.

I've known Brendon for about seven months now. (The happiest seven months of my life.) We're really close and I've managed to tell him every aspect of my life, save the secret. He knows more about me than my "best friend" Spencer. He knows more about me than my mother did.

Conversing every single day possible and for as long as possible, I feel so safe and untouchable with him. He's quite literally my life now.

This amazing kid, he lives just hours away. We always talk about meeting up but it's seemingly impossible. His parents are awfully strict Mormons and would rather sacrifice Brendon than to let us meet up. My parents... my mother's dead. Whatever. My dad's abusive as hell and I do not want to drag Bren into that, no matter how bad I need to meet him.

We're closer than most people normally are; comfortable with saying we love each other ~~as friends, of course~~, and occasionally calling each other baby. Just affection showed differently.

I tend to daydream, a lot. Always about meeting this boy, always about how he'll react, how I'll react, and always, always, about what we'll ~~hopefully~~ do.

But this boy, this unsuspectingly innocent boy, is in for a surprise. I'm going to "check out some colleges options" around where he lives. And I will meet him if I die doing it.

---

I pulled into the motel parking lot quickly; my body tired of being scrunched up for the long hours driving. I had already reserved a room for a week and this was a small, unknown motel so vacancies are sure to be dominating at all times. The lady at the desk, the short and unattractive lady, grunted as she tossed the room key at me, nearly hitting me square in the face. Oh well, no matter.

My few bags got thrown in the corner of the small room and I flopped onto the awaiting bed. Right then, I would have loved to message Brendon and see what he was doing, maybe arrange a meet up, but he didn't know then and I was tired. Sleep pulled me in so rapidly.

---

I signed on to AIM after the nap and saw Brendon was away. "At the mall." That came as a slight shock, but the shock lasted barely a minute. I know what mall he goes to; we've discussed the mall here before. And I know how to get there, a surprise taking form quickly as I ran out.

I gunned into the parking lot and hopped out of my car, locking it and running toward the mall doors. Okay, maybe I was a bit desperate and excited. I stopped running after nearly being run over and when I continued my route, I settled on a slow walk. My feet, to their accord, moved slower than I wanted. Nerves never failed me before and they didn't plan on failing me at that time.

When I finally got into the mall, I approached the section of the mall where I know he'd eventually wander to if not there already. The arcade. I strolled in like I always went there and I walked around, peeking around electronic gaming devices discretely. Hope drained from my being as I neared the last section of this grand arcade that I'd yet to search; still no sign of him. I was giving up and was ready to cry when I saw them. I saw those red-framed glasses I'd known from pictures so well and I squeaked. Not the manliest thing to do but excitement gets to us sometimes.

Sneaking up behind him, I watched as he raced around the animated track, dodging the most insane of obstacles. I held back a laugh as he growled and kicked the pedals after losing the race. I saw my chance when he folded his arms over his small chest and pouted at the screen.

I slide into the empty driver seat next to his and ruffled his hair. "It's okay, Brenny. There's always next time..." And I laughed. I laughed because I'd scared him so bad that he nearly screamed and jumped out of his pants. When he finally realized it was in fact me, his eyes grew wide and he pulled me into a bone-crushing hug. "Ry! It's you! What the fuck?" He pulled away and blinked at me, still clearly excited yet thoroughly confused.

Carefully yet quickly, I thought up a response and delivered it with what I had hoped was a sarcasm-free tone, even though I was being completely sarcastic. "Well, I'm graduating soon and college seems like a good decision, so I figured I'd come to see some colleges. Sorry for the interruption, it won't happen again. I'll be leaving now; a busy man like me has a great load of things to attend to." I nodded and wriggled from his grip, sliding off of the seat and strutting out the door. I knew he'd follow me because he's so stubbornly natured, and I ran out of the mall and into the parking lot, hopping into my car and catching my breath as I waited for his inevitable arrival.

The impatient little bugger jumped in and practically dove over the divider, once again embracing me. Oh, how I needed to tell him the secret.

"No, Ryan! No no no no no! Don't leave me here." He pouted that signature pout and clung to the passenger seat, obviously showing that he'd not leave without a fight. Not like I wanted him to leave, anyway…

The rain started to fall down in torrents and Brendon whimpered softly and cuddled against me. I'm not going to lie, I loved that feeling more than any of the other one's I'd experienced throughout my whole life. "Sh, Bren." I wrapped my arms around him and nuzzled his hair. He giggled softly and I grinned. "I want you to know the real reason why I came all the way out here. It has nothing to do with colleges or just meeting you. Those things don't matter..." And before I got to finish what I was trying to say, he started crying and jumped out of the car into the rain.

After climbing out and catching up to him, I pulled him into a very close and a very tight hug. Hooking my finger under his chin, I looked into the chocolate brown pupils and shook my head. "Let me finish, you idiot. I came here to tell you... that I love you. I'm in love with you. I've never felt like this about anyone so long as I've lived and I need you, Brendon. I really do."

I hadn't meant for all of that to just pour out like it had, but there was no taking it back now. I bit my bottom lip and closed my eyes, waiting for him to freak out. Instead of the screaming, infuriating violent moment I'd expected, I felt lush lips on mine, wet with rain. I opened my eyes as I felt him wrap his arms around me and pull me close. Standing there in the rain, getting soaked beyond comprehension, that's when it finally occurred to me that I'm the luckiest guy on earth.

-----

Oh, would you look at that...

2008-01-28T05:41:31Z

tunny_romance tagged me. :]

a. list seven habits/quirks/facts about yourself
b. tag seven people to do the same
c. do not tag the person who tagged you or say that you tag "whoever wants to do it"

1. I think too much, which usually ends with me doubting everything "known" in this world and deciding that everything's completely bogus.
2. I can't live without reading; whether it's slash, a book, a newspaper... anything.
3. I hate myself so much that I believe what I say about myself is what others see and think. I tune out the real world and tune in my self-torture.
4. If I don't have music on, I feel vunerable.
5. I write to get away from the world and I want to show people what I write but I'll only do it if someone asks to see it, otherwise they don't care and I'm bugging them...
6. I may get attached to some people quickly, but it's a long time until I trust them enough to tell them anything important about myself or something of the sort.
7. I'd do anything to have people actually loving and caring about me. To never lie or hurt me. To always be there for me. But at the same time, I wouldn't.

Dear...
xkillerxangelx
repulsive_x
pluginxbabyiluvbdenurie121
xxmisstrohmanxx
blah274
rain_rocks
I tagged you. If you've already been tagged, ignore it. If not, you better do it!

Heartless Sleeves

2007-11-19T15:40:43Z

These are the lyrics that everyone has been "dying" to hear. I wrote them a few days ago and the one person that saw them really liked them. I think she's stupid but I still love her. ;] If you must read this and you choose to comment... be nice about it, okay? Thanks.

What am I doing with my life?
Why do I sit here and complain?
There's nothing to make the pain end
There's no way the tears won't cascade down my face
When I think about you, I feel like I'm broken
When something is longed for such as this
When it's needed so bad it's painful
I want to end it all
Precision like a butcher from experience
But I'm not that fragile
And I can stand my ground
I just want to get better
And be able to handle you being around
You make me weep almost constantly
And those tears are of nothing but love
Sorrow and self-pity that I breathe for you
One little slip is all it will take
My breath will hitch; not with water trails
But crimson tides that threaten to snitch
On what was so cleverly camoflauged
All those years: nothing was suspected
Now that my story is bared and available
I can finally breathe and sleep and dream
Happily, not so much
I need you to fulfill my hopes and needs
The desire to be content
Because, Baby, you're like a drug
And to survive, I need you
However unhealthy and deadly that may be